I seem to be able to see things others do not. Maybe they can’t, or don’t want to.
Like Cassandra in Greek mythology, no one believes me.
I’ve been part of several circles. A favored member, in the beginning. I enjoyed being a part of the group. Thinking I had found the “family” that I had always been looking for. The one that delights in my strangeness, soothes my fears and tolerates my weaknesses. I’m only human.
Then, something predictable happens. A new person or persons arrive to the group and my warning bells go off. I try and give them the benefit of the doubt, I really do. But, the hackles won’t be smoothed down and I keep an eye on them.
Psychic vampires, intellectual thieves looking for new ideas to steal or just overly, needy people who don’t want to pay a counselor. They don’t come to add to the group. They’ve come to feed.
I do my best to keep the peace and try not to be judgmental. But, it’s hard as hell to do this when the person or persons seem to go out of their way to get up in my personal space. It’s like they know I can see through their bullshit and it threatens them. That’s when I go to a person of authority in the group and vent my concerns.
They always give me a condescendingly, concerned response. It feels like being gas lighted. One group leader even poo pooed my concern by saying. “They can’t be bad. They’re bringing money into the circle.” Oh, well I know where your priorities are then.
I stepped back, shut my mouth and watched in horrifying silence as the people I called out a warning about. Unraveled the circle from the inside. It wasn’t total, but a lot of core members left and no one apologized to me. I left after being berated, via email, for not being more loyal. WTF!?
Another circle just conveniently drop me from the email list. I called to mention I wasn’t receiving the event emails and got the pathetic, “Oh, dear, we had to keep the list short out of convenience.” I was never added back. A bit kinder than the last circle, but still shitty.
I have been accused of being jealous of the people I’ve called out. Not even close. I don’t know why I have this “Guard dog” sense of responsibility. It hasn’t served me very well. Maybe, I’m just trying to protect the wrong people.
It’s hard to watch a train wreck in slow motion and not try to do what you can to stop it.
I know I’ve ignored good advice. Given by wiser people who love me. Thinking I know better. Those are some hard lessons. I’m still learning. Still trying to be kind and hopeful in a world of mean, dipshits.