2019 is going to be the start of another, more fruitful faze of my life. Goodness knows. I have had many, shifts in my life story. ‘Tuck and roll’ is the family motto.
The past few years have been a string of hard learned and earned lessons. Now that my son is a self-sufficient adult. I’ve been able to focus on me and my needs. I’m a wreck, physically, but getting better. My friends are few, but awesome! I’ve taken ownership of a lot of my suffering and it’s humbling. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not meant to be part of a couple. That is freeing. I’m no longer entertaining fuck boys. If you’re not into good, intelligent conversation. I’m not into you. Bye. Getting older sucks in some respects, but wisdom and detachment are golden. My parents are never going to change, no matter how much truth I throw at them. I still can’t understand why humanity is trying so hard to wipe itself out of existence. I am here to change things, along with others. More people need to wake up. Everyone thinks their way is best and compromise is for losers. Meanwhile, we’re past the rapids and going over the falls.
But hey! I have a new hip and getting back to life. A friend is renting me a room in his house. Freshly renovated, painted and ready for clients starting January 1st. It’s been an interesting experience. Finding out who is supportive and who secretly wishes me failure. People who keep bringing up problems that don’t exist. Casting doubt on my ability to make this happen. I am also at fault, for being afraid. Am I afraid to fail, or succeed? That is the question. This has had me going through a lot of my conditioning and programming, as a child. I love psychoanalyzing myself. I grew up around narcissists of variable size and strength. I’m always waiting for the verbal or physical jab. Neglect, and spontaneous rages that could come with physical abuse, have trained me to be on high alert. I over-think things. This is why I practice mindfulness. It helps me sort out the garbage that weighs me down. Breaking patterns that are deep and survival related is hard work.
I am always trying to see the good in everything. A friend once told me. “You’re the most hopeful person I know.” I’m no Pollyanna. I have my shadow and inner demons. I shock myself, sometimes. I can go from peace, love and world dance party to, BURN EVERYTHING, in a hiccough. I fear for future, but keep fighting the good fight.
I’ve never wanted what is considered success. Money, fame, big house, nice car, husband, kids. My dream has always been, to be happy, live simply, and be helpful. I’m always dumbfounded by the amount of people who have and do, ridicule me. What’s wrong with Utopian thinking? No one seems to mind religious, magical thinking, goobers who try to pray away problems. I believe in science! Logic and compassion are my friends!
Creating more art is on the agenda, too. I have been a terribly, lazy artist this past year. I have a friend who get’s shit done! It’s like he can’t be still for too long. I’m hoping some of his over achieving tendencies rub off on me. Maybe some of my meditative and chill vibes will rub off on him. Either way, this year is going to be a good one!